In Which Our Heroes Try Being Real Teenagers
by agnes-says-hello
Summary: Absolute rubbish, honestly. Just playing around with the idea of how UNREALISTIC Harry Ron and Hermione are as teenagers. Rated T for swearing and drugs whoooopeee


"By Order of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor: Boys and Girls must remain within three feet of each other at all times."

"LOL." Said Harry. "How amusing."

"FUCK." Said Ron. "What about my secret love for Hermione which I will never tell anyone about ever."

"Man." Said Harry. "I feel for you. Come on, lets go get lit in the common room."

After begging some spliffs of the Weasley twins (who had so far succeeded in their ambition to get half the Hogwarts faculty addicted to crack cocaine by masquerading it as a muggle delicacy) Harry and Ron made their shambolic and stoned way to History of Magic.

Neither of them wrote any notes. Harry spent the lesson staring at the epic way the light from the window reflected off Malfoy's hair. He wondered vaguely if he was gay for Malfoy. They did spend a lot of time staring into each other's eyes, standing very close together etc.

He decided to ask Ron this.

"Like." He said. "Ron?"

"Dude?"

"Do you think I might be like, gay for malfoy or like, something?"

"Dude."

"It would like, get round Umbridge's like, no touching ladies rule."

"Dude!"

Hermione chose this moment to interrupt by stabbing Harry in the back of the head with her quill.

"Like, ow."

"We are in a LESSON." She hissed. "Last place ever you want to discuss your ambiguous sexuality. Right, Ron?"

"Dude."

"Hermione." Said Harry. "I like, love you and stuff, but like, you're not meant to touch me."

"That is true." Said Hermione

Harry would later realise that if he hadn't pointed this out to her she probably wouldn't have hexed his history of magic textbook to thump him round the head every time they emerged from a lesson. He wouldn't have minded, except the pot was wearing off and it was starting to like, hurt.

They were settling down for lunch in the Great Hall, with Harry's history of magic book finally deserting to go and berate Neville, when Harry suddenly felt a very different pain through the haze of drug-induced sleepiness.

"Un-LOL." He said. "My scars starting to, like, HURT again."

"Dude." Said Ron.

"Maybe you should talk to Dumbledore?" Said Hermione without looking up from her book (unbeknownst to Harry and Ron she was reading Witch Weekly instead of Professor Jorvik's essay on runes)

"What and get like, eye-raped again?" Said Harry. "I know he's been pretending not to be all in love with me lately, but I plan on keeping it that way."

"Uh Harry?" Said Neville, stumbling over to them. "Is this yours?" He pointed up at the History of Magic textbook which had started to make his head look distinctly dented.

"Yeah that's mine." Said Harry.

"DUDE!" Said Ron and fell off the bench.

"Oh God sorry Neville." Hermione stammered, hastily reversing the spell whilst keeping Witch Weekly from tipping out of her Runes textbook. (If Ron ever found out she wasn't quite the book worm she seemed he would have no reason to speak to her ever again, she thought)

"Mind if I sit with you guys?" Said Neville.

"Sure." Said Harry. "We were just discussing my plans to avoid Dumbledore's rabid, like, man-love."

Hermione snickered.

Ron said "Dude."

Neville looked troubled.

"In all fairness, Harry." He stammered. "I think Dumbledore has a bit more on his mind than being gay for you."

Harry looked at him non-plussed. "He's like, a TEACHER. What else can he do?"

"H-harry, Dumbledore is way more than just a teacher." Neville stuttered.

"Yeah, you're right. He's on the, like, whatevers. Chocolate frog cards."

Neville looked positively alarmed. "What about protecting the wizarding world from Dark Wizards more times than I care to number? Grindelwald? You-Know-Who?"

Harry looked, if possible, even more non-plussed.

"What, Voldemort?" He said. A slow smile spread over his face. "Talking about people that are gay for me...is that dude into me or WHAT."

Neville picked up the History of Magic textbook that had been until so recently afflicting him and smacked himself on the head with it.


End file.
